Blog Assignment 4

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department
Subject: INCORRECT PAYROLL CHECKS
I have been reviewing the “errors” in the computer files.
Contrary to what you insinuated in our meeting, the majority of these errors were made by your clerks. I do not feel that my people should be blamed for this. They are correctly copying the faulty time tickets that your clerks are preparing.
You and I discussed requiring my computer operators to perform the very time-consuming task of comparing their entries against the time sheets from which your clerks are miscopying.
My people do not have the time to correct the errors made by your people, and I will not hire additional help for such work.
I recommend that you tell your clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.

Revised
To: T. Leooni, Personnel Department
From: Donald Pryzblo, Data Processing Department
Subject: Payroll Check Miscalculations

After reviewing the computer files I believe that there may be errors with the initial time sheets for each employee.

The data being sent to my department seems to be incorrect and my main concern is to figure out how the time sheets are passing through the initial reviews and make it to my department. If the time sheets are copied correctly the problem should be eliminated.

We discussed having the operators compare their entries against the time sheets but I feel that would not solve the issue and end up wasting valuable company time. I also would not be able to afford the additional help required to run these comparisons.

To save time and money I was hoping that that time sheets could be reviewed more carefully before they are sent to the computer operators in order to prevent further complications.



In the revision I basically tried to take out all emotion and sound more professional. I feel Pryzblo sounded very unprofessional and that made the message very weak and that would have diverted any reader to become emotional as well. The message would basically fail to be sent. I also took out the capital letters in the subject because I felt they were unnecessary. I wanted to elminate dancing around the subject and get to the point very quickly. I also did not want to direct all the fault to the other department. I felt this would cause feelings of anger and did not contribute to solving the problem. I did, however, offer a solution in a way that would not threaten the reader.
I basically wanted to make the message less threatening and get the point across in a more professional way. I wanted to be able to pin point the problem in the time sheets without letting my anger or emotions get in the way of my message. All the points that Pryzblo wanted to discuss were still present but in a more calming way. Pryzblo, being a manager, should have never written such an unprofessional message because it made him and his department sound informal and made him look bad.